Stuck in non-marriage! help!?

i am legally married to a man who i've seen one time in over a year and that visit was primarily so he could see my 14 year old son (who he adopted several years ago). the problem is that he doesn't want a divorce. i am living a lonely existence because he insists on paying the house payment and helping with my son and still considers me his wife, even though he doesn't want me (he's 17 years older, has no sex drive, and no desire to be in a "live-in" relationship). we had lived together as a family for 4.5 years when he moved to california...there is much more that prevents us from having a healthy relationship that i won't go into, but it has to do with dishonesty on his part...now, if i allow him to continue to be so financially helpful, my son benefits in many ways (lifestyle, etc)....but i suffer because i'm not free to see other people or be in another relationship...(i've avoided social situations that would place me around men to avoid the dilemma). do i a) get a divorce and realize that my son will just have to adjust to a lower standard of living or b) stay in this until the end, living a single, loveless life. i wouldn't feel "right" about moving into dating other people as long as i'm legally married....input please...lonely, sad and becoming angry (mostly at myself for allowing this to happen). i'm not one to throw caution to the wind and am analytical in terms of financial judgment, so i need some unbiased answers from people who don't know me personally. additionally, he has stated that the conditions of the "help" are limited to the current arrangement. if this sounds in any way like victim mentality, trust me--it's not...i'm a mother trying to do the right thing by her child. i just want clear concise answers.

child support is still in the cards

get off your lazy a55 and get a life and a job

this is pathetic

You need a lawyer to find out exactly what is what. The laws are easy to research on the Internet, but they vary from state to state. Sounds like you need to get freed up! Good Luck

I give you alot of credit for staying in a one way relationship.It is actually emotional abuse that you are living with.He adopted you're son,I do not know what the divorce laws are in you're state,but I would think that he would have to provide for him until he turns 18 yrs old.You can get a free consultation with some lawyers,I would start there.It cannot be a very healthy environment for you're son either. Good Luck in whatever you decide.

I would stay where you're at, though it is making you feel bad. Tolerance is a good thing, I was hoping at some point you were going to say you are doing it for your son, and you did! You have the strength to hold on. Consider some major changes in 3 - 5 years. That is not long.

Insist on a divorce. If you're unhappy then why bother? It will eventually affect your son as well.

it had to be something in it for this man, your husband.... seems as if he's living another life, and I'm sure he has another woman, money can't buy love dear, move on with your life, ASAP... maybe u could get a job to take care of your son, life's to short to live it that way...

Don't rock the boat, u need financial support, it is not easy to adjust to a lower standard of living, Let the arrangement continue till u get support from another man. U must search for another man whom u could love and do justice to your needs. There is no need to have a number of affairs, but u must hook the right man who offers u security and meets your needs. Your legally wedded man only meets u once in a year, so you have lot of time to search discreetly the type of man who could save u from this situation.

Well why the heck did you marry him?? Why can't you work? You are not setting a good example to your son in anyway. Lots of single mothers have sons that are good men, and contribute to society. Its the morals and values that you install in your child that will matter in the long run.

I'm no expert and I think you need one. I have been divorced from a lady who didn't want to be divorced or be together...just wanted to draw it out because she got more money from the house by doing so. You have a child and since he supports you and your son you have a lot of issues to deal with. Since he lives out of state that may lengthen it, but him having a lot more money will make it take a lot longer as well.

You need to talk to a lawyer specializing in family court and divorce. Since he is supporting you and has been, he will have to pay for your lawyer's fees. Just talking to a lawyer will help you see options, and believe me he will want to explain how lengthy it will be as the lawyer doesn't want to start a divorce you won't finish...so let one show you how it would impact you. You don't have to make any decisions on the spot. You need to write down all your questions, legally, financially, how it is different from being out of state where he lives...and make sure you go over everything.

What you haven't said in here is if you have a job....can you support yourself? Yes, with him divorced you will have less money with only child support for your son, but if you can work and don't need to go to school to do so, that should make up a good part of the difference. The settlement would take into account those things if his income is above a certain level and yours is below a level of income.

So write down all your questions and see a family court lawyer. You haven't done anything then but explored options and you'll know a lot better what you can do.

Staying legally married to someone you don't love, lives a long ways away does seem to be a lonely existence where you become more and more bitter about the situation you find yourself in and changing that to me will help your son in the long run though it sure won't be easy.

You seem in a real pickle here, I feel sorry for you.

If I were in this position, your husband should understand your loneliness & loveless life, you should tell him this, and if he says "I will not help our son" or something like this, then he isn't a good father.

And it's about if he decides to not help your son, because of you guys, then he should know, it's not about us, it's about him.

I am bad at explaining, so in other words:

If you decide not to help our son because of our problem, then you are a terrible man, because your son had nothing to do with it.

Divorce him and he will be required by law to pay child support. Document what he is paying you now...so you can show the courts what he is capable of paying.

If you got a divorce, you can get alimony and child support. I would get a divorce because that is not a healthy relationship. Do you want your son to look at this relationship as "normal"? He should not be taught that this how you treat a wife. Get some good legal advice on what you can do and what your rights are...I think you have options, but I would not stay married if your husband doesn't even live in the home!! That is controlling and wrong. Then, you should meet other people and try to find another relationship. You only live once (as far as I know), so you should not waste it being sad and alone. Good luck! Get some legal advice on what you can do/get from your husband for financial support in the divorce.

you are in denial

well there are two ways yes you could stay your son is nearly grown 4 years he is gone or you could look out for the both of you and drop that (*& Husband and get a hold of your life this ride is short then we die,i have never spent a bad day in the past 10 years that i did not want life is way to short to worry about pleasing no one but YOU take care of yourself and your son,

If he is not part of the family he is no good for your son anyway. You dont have to have your husbands persmission to get a divorce. Go to the family courthouse. They usually have people who can tell you what forms to fill out and what steps to take. I would get a divorce but dont date anyone until your son is 18, please!

Ask him if he's gay. Let's be honest.

Demand sex once a week or else you will divorce him.

You sit down and talk with your son, explain things to him, he is old enough to understand and make up his own mind about the situation.

You should not have to live in a loveless relationship, its a waste of time and very unfulfilling. Life is too short to waste on this.

Move on, I am sure your son will understand and if he really loves you, he will see you are not happy in your current situation and support your decision. Lifestyle is not everything, love is what matters

Life without love is not really life at all...

That's a hard one! If I were you......I'd date anyway......I'd let the one you become close to know the situation up front and then....get a divorce. This of course will take lots of time..... I just hate to see you so lonely and unhappy. I'm sort of in the same....a sahm with a 7 year old and a 2 year old. Lonley - unhappy - the works. Except mine is home a lot.....and I don't have the luxury of having him gone like yours. You're luckier than you think! Seriously - you only live once and your son should know LOVE. He should be around a FAMILY environment so he knows how to raise one and act in one when he is old enough. You can find someone who loves you and he and who makes decent money too. That's what you need to look for. BUT LOVE should be first! For you and you son. Someone more your age = heck, there are men who have children your sons age that are dying to meet a woman like you. Good luck....I wish I had a wand for all the ladies on here like me! How come we can't win that lottery!

DIvorce him. Get alimony. Get child support if applicable, and move on with your life. Your happiness comes through to your son, he can tell. If your son can't adjust to a lower income level, well.. that would be a shame. Lessons learned here. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. Survive on your own, be strong, and love your son. He will 'forgive' you if he is angry, too bad. You need to think of yourself, and that will be what is really best for your son. Think about it. You are teaching him that money means more then the freedom to be happy. I hope you have proof of your husbands deceit.

If you are in California divorce him and get 1/2!! You are not in a country where the man tells you what you have to do. Call a lawyer first thing in the morning for a consultation.

You know what sweet heart your not Happy at all and no matter how much he does for you its never going to work its better for you to leave your situation although you might not have that much but you were Breathing before you met him and you were Born Naked so really the importance is your health and happyness witch you will feel like somebody just lifted weight off of your shoulders when your gone and actually going for and getting what you Need* and want.. in the end all you have is You so think for You goodluck and i hope you make the right desicion think about it :)

Tell him to come back or to give you a divorce and leave you alone. Your child will never really be happy if he sees you unhappy each day. That will hurt him more than being poor. Divorce that man asap.